it didnt work.
and i've gone mad.
i wanna get out of this mess.
why am i assigned to the worst people ever?
i've got tons of thing to share
but no one to talk to.
lemme rephrase that; no one WORTHY to share to.
or perhaps it's just cos i didnt know what "SHARE YOUR FEELINGS TO OTHERS" mean.
or perhaps... i'd rather share my feelings with an inanimate object.
simply because they seem to please me; unlike with another person.
let this be another long post.
yesterday, i ate 30 sulfasalazine pills on an empty stomach
in an attempt of suicide.
bt it was all in vain. it didnt work.
the only thing that's working is the extreme nausea im facing.
well, beats me what was going on in my head at that time.
the only thing i know is that im under extreme depression.
and im trying so hard to keep it under control.
and i got myself a depression book. in which i wrote things like..
"fauzi is dumb.
fauzi is an asshole.
fauzi lucky to be in SP as all other students are being looked up upon but Fauzi is not.
Fauzi should marry some rich idiot and just be a housewife.
Fauzi suck at everything.
Fauzi is a moron.
Fauzi should just fuck off and die.
Fauzi makes everyone's lives miserable.
Fauzi should DIE DIE DIE.
Fauzi shouldn't have existed."
tadah!
hey blog, tell me what i've gotten myself into.
im not mad at anyone, no. just myself.
every single thing that i've done or reacted, it's just another episode of anger
of no one, but myself.
im traumatic, im pathetic,
at least that's what i feel.
i just feel like the worst human being to have been born.
and when i look back at all the certificates i've received,
i feel like tearing them up.
because, i dont deserve them.
yesterday, when i was going to sleep
i thought about things.
like "how well they all go together without me", "how the people involved in my case would think about my passing", "i'm satisfied with all that i've been given", "thanks for letting me experience this thing called 'life' "
and when i woke up from sleep yesterday, i was just so sad.
"perhaps not today" again. and i regretted not going for 40, or 50, or 60, or more.
think of the people around me who will miss me when im not around?
well, it wont be that bad, would it?
fact is, there's no more room for me.
everyone is so caught up with their own lives.
everyone but me. and these legs just dont hv the stamina, strength and drive to paddle forward anymore.
im confused. im worked up. and im falling.
ive fallen into the depths of a bottomless pit.
i can never have what i want.
and all i ask for is a normal life.
im forever sick.
im forever useless.
im forever (insert whatever you want here).
Everytime i gather myself up again, there's always something to hit me back down.
And it constantly hits me. Til im shattered to bits and pieces.
Dont understand me. Cos you never will. No one ever will.
Technically, not even myself; for the fact that i just cant put things to word, in explanation of my actions and behaviour;
For the lust of understanding myself may lead to the very destruction of myself.
Why must there be a belief that beneath every move, is a reason?
Why cant things just be as it is?
And then here i am, thinking that im gonna wake up soon; and that this is all jz one huge nightmare. The hope still lingers, but then the truth does too.
persimmons. hard exterior, sweet and juicy on the inside.
and now, im thinking.
to hell with what others say.
im gonna burn the depression book.
and im gonna make it through no matter what.
when i do, you all, will be dumbfounded while im sitting, laughing my flat ass off.
hey bozo twin; i guess it's nt my time yet. petrol is nt meant fr drinking. drink water.
my family; even though i know that im nt glue-close (glucose? o_o) to any of them, silently, they've always wished the best of me. and so hv i.
and you, thank you for trying to be my friend whenever i need a confidant.
even though you're not good at it, and i always end up getting pissed off at you, it's all worth it.
point is, you offer and try, and even though you said you never force, you did, unintentionally, in a good and consoling way. dts good enough for me (:
keep it up. even though i might be whiny and all, it doesnt mean that i totally detest it.
and this enigma just goes off to show that sometimes, you need the help of others, no matter how tough you think you are.
i know this is random.
cool. look what i found!
| Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz | | The higher of these two numbers below indicates which side of your brain has dominance in your life. Realising your right brain/left brain tendancy will help you interact with and to understand others. | | Left Brain Dominance: |  (16) | | Right Brain Dominance: | (16) | | Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz |
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randomness is a gift.
im hungry! I WANT A MCSPICY!
3:00 PM
